Right before surgery and in preparation for chemotherapy, I went ahead and decided to get a haircut. My haircut was on August 17 and surgery was on August 22nd. Ironically enough, I had been growing my hair out for close to two years. For Locks of Love. Really God? Very funny. Anyways, when I went to my salon, one of my favorite hairdressers Rahmlee, gave me some hope. He gave me a little bit of hope when he introduced me to another employee who had gone through chemo many years ago. This beautiful girl told me that she had used some product in her hair and that her hair became very thin but never fell all the way out. I kept remembering Dr.Shah telling me that within 2 weeks of receiving my first chemo treatment, I would start losing my hair. Completely. Sigh… So, I figured I had better go ahead and cut off as much as I could now because once it started falling out, I would not be able to use it (for donation purposes). My thinking was that at least someone would be able to use my hair. Who knows? Maybe I would use it for my own wig! My hairstylist did a great job and I actually liked my new do. I just didn't like that someone had forced me to get it!
So I was feeling good after my surgery and secretly I kept waiting for the call that would tell me that there had been a big mistake, surgery actually took care of everything and I would need no chemotherapy. No such luck. It was crazy to think that on August 22, 2007 important parts of my body were removed. I thought I had come out okay. The prayers of family and friends certainly helped. I will not forget how awesome it was to receive flowers at the hospital. I was overwhelmed with the amount of support I was receiving. So many people cared, I had no idea. I know now that even when God allows things to happen in your life, other things happen that would have never occurred had the first not been there. God displayed His beauty and grace through family and friends. From the hospital visits to the flowers to my sister Carolina fixing my hair (because I couldn't lift my arms) to my other sister Janeth telling her friends up north about me and receiving cards from complete strangers. I am blessed.
I had gone through those crazy drains and the pain of trying to build my upper body back up. I was just now starting to get around and feel a little better. This was also a time for me when I had a lot of doubts. Was Chemo really necessary? Should I try some alternative medicines first? Would changing my diet make a difference? If they had cut everything out, why did I still need to do this? Well, simple… apparently the tumor that was removed decided to only be half a millimeter away from the chest wall. Apparently that was too close for comfort and they wanted to be as aggressive as possible so that I "could lead a long life". Great. Now my age was working against me. I'm only 33! The other thing that was bothering me was knowing that getting chemo could ruin my chances of having more children. Not known to many, Bill and I were actually trying to get pregnant around the time that I was diagnosed. I remember the doctors being so relieved that it did not occur. They told us that had we become pregnant, due to the aggressiveness of the cancer, we may have been faced with the choice of save the baby or save me. So now here was another dilemma. I desperately wanted more children. I knew that chemo pretty much destroys everything in your body and that there were no guarantees. So I started to do some research. I had read of a woman who was diagnosed with cancer (I can't remember what kind) and had decided that before going through chemo, she would have her eggs frozen, for future use. This sounded like a fantastic idea. I had always dreamed of twins!! I could ask for however many eggs to be implanted! Bill didn't know about the whole "throw in as many as you want" idea but he was open to checking out the possibility of freezing my eggs for future use. This was not an easy task, many doctors were reluctant about doing this procedure on a patient that had just undergone a double mastectomy and was about to start chemo. Even my oncologist, Dr. Shah, urged me to rethink the decision and to remember that I already had Samuel and Isabella to think about. Dr.Shah even warned me that because my cancer was fed by estrogen, it could be risky. That was the hard part. I certainly wanted to see them grow up but I couldn't help the tug at my heart to want to have more kids. We did a lot of praying and then decided that it didn't hurt to check out our options. After much research, I found an awesome fertility doctor in Jacksonville, FL that was known for working with women that had been touched by cancer. His name is Dr. Kevin Winslow. He was so nice, and you could see that he had a heart for cancer patients. We told him our story and he agreed to help us. So, the shots started. When am I going to stop getting pricked?!? At least this was for something good! We stayed in St.Augustine for that trip and enjoyed a nice quiet weekend. Dr. Winslow explained how the shots were to be administered and how I would need to drive to Jacksonville periodically to make sure my body was producing more eggs than normal. It is all about timing! He was trying to make sure my body produced the most eggs possible so that we would have the best chance of getting pregnant at a future date. By the way, this was in mid September, I was slated to start chemo at the beginning of October. I endured shots in my stomach but all with the hope of being able to have children in the future. We ended up with 13 eggs :-)
Can I just tell you that I was the biggest baby on the first day of chemo? I knew the day was coming. I had so many internal battles about whether or not I would go through with this treatment. I had friends on both sides of the fence, some telling me that I had to do chemo to survive and others that would tell me of people that they knew that had changed their diet, their lifestyle, and had gone with alternative medicine that were now cancer free. I wanted so much not to do chemo. As a matter of fact, on the way to chemo, I proudly announced to Bill that I had decided not to do chemotherapy. I was going to try to do the alternative medicine thing. My husband Bill has been my voice of reason so many times. He just looked at me, without judgement, and asked me if it was worth the risk of that option not working and never getting to see Samuel and Isabella grow up. "Why," he asked, " would you not want to go through something that you know has an excellent probability of helping you survive this thing?" Well, if you put it that way. I knew in my heart that I couldn't bare the thought of not seeing these kids grow up. They had both been through so much already, having to be children of divorce. I was not going to add 'kids that have a lost a mother' to the list. So it was done. I would do it. We were running a little behind for our appointment, due to my procrastination, so I asked Bill to go ahead and park while I went inside to check in. This is a moment I will not soon forget. I thought I was ready. I felt that I was strong enough to handle this. I checked in to MD Anderson Cancer Center for my first chemo treatment. A nice nurse led me through some doors and then it hit me. Holy cow! I was about to put pure poison in my body! It was going to run through my veins. Next shocker. I saw all my other fellow chemo patients. I was the youngest one there. I was also the only one with hair. For now. My heart was beating so fast and I remember telling myself to chill out. It was then that a nurse, aka : angel, approached me. She simply said, " Are you okay honey?" That is when I lost it. I remember having tears just flow down my face. Where was Bill? Why was it taking him so long? Dang it, if she hadn't said anything to me I would have been okay. The nurse sat me down and just talked to me for a little while about what to expect and how things were going to go. She assured me that I had made the right decision and that it would be alright. I will never forget how she made me feel. Nurses just don't get enough credit. This woman had somehow made me feel like it was going to be okay, and, that it was okay to cry. When I had my surgery, they had also put a port into my chest. It wasn't the prettiest thing and it really bugged me when I rode as a passenger in the car and the seatbelt rubbed against it. But, the doctors assured me, it would save my veins. This is where the poison would enter my body. By the time Bill made it to the chemo ward, as I called it, I had pretty much calmed down. Kind of. They started prepping me and telling me a bunch of things that I certainly can't remember. It was simply too much to handle in one day. There was a great thing that happened though. I met another cancer patient. Ms. Georgia. She was so sassy and full of energy. She told me that she had just started chemo a few weeks ago. That gave me hope. She looked great and was very positive. Georgia told me of some of the things I had to look forward to with this treatment. I learned that there are different types of chemotherapy. The one that I was starting today and would endure for the next three months was called, Adriamycin. Everyone in the chemo ward called it " The Red Devil". When they brought out the IV bag, I knew why. It looked like red Kool-Aid. I remember Dr.Shah telling me to drink lots of water when I get chemo because it will get flushed out of my system faster. No need to tell me twice! I drank water like it was going out of style! The date was October 4, 2007. Once I was done with the chemo treatment, I remember thinking that this had not been all that bad. I felt a little tired but overall okay. I went home and took a nap.
The first "Red Devil" treatment didn't seem to be too bad. I was tired, more like worn out. They now give you a whole lot of medicine (steroids) that will prevent the throwing up that you hear so much of when you think of chemo. It's funny but my dumb self thought, well, if I'm going to go through chemo at least I know I will lose weight because of how sick it will make me. Negative. I gained weight. Almost 25 pounds! I never get the perks! Remember how I said God had a funny sense of humor? Well, like I told you before, when I got diagnosed with cancer Bill and I had not even been married for a year yet! I can remember telling him that I knew he had not signed up for all this craziness and that I was giving him the opportunity to leave. I even told him that I would tell everyone at the department that it was my fault so that no one would think badly of him. I remember that he looked at me as if I had a third eye and said something like, "Are you on crack? No, I am not leaving!" So, here we were. Finally, we were getting to celebrate our one year anniversary on October 20th. Since I seemed to be feeling well, Bill took me to Savannah, GA. Of course I love that place. The memories of saying our vows at Forsyth Park was just what the doctor ordered. We got to Savannah on October 19th and enjoyed just strolling through the different squares in Savannah. Everything was great. Then, October 20th came. Remember God and his sense of humor? Well, I will never forget. October 20, 2007 I started losing my hair. In clumps. I was horrified! I think I cried most of that morning. Now, I am not one to be so vain. I thought I took it in stride when they chopped off my breasts but now my hair? I knew it was coming. I even knew that my hair was the one thing that was actually going to grow back. Why was I so upset then? The worst was that we had planned to have a couples massage later that afternoon(compliments of my sweet sister, Carolina). I will never forget that for the first time I actually had to disclose that I was being treated for cancer. It was weird writing that down. Me. Cancer. It just didn't seem to go together. I was perfectly healthy except for that cancer thing. Anyways, after I finished the questionnaire I remember telling the massage therapist that they had to be careful with my shoulders (because my chest was still a little sore), they had to be gentle on my left arm (because they had taken 22 lymph nodes) and to not mess with my head, because "my hair was falling out." You should have seen the look on the therapist's face! Talk about priceless! I must say that even I got a chuckle out of that one. I bet that is one thing that she had never heard before! I managed to get through the massage and then we did have a fabulous dinner at the restaurant attached to the Mansion on Forsyth Park. Bill surprised me with beautiful white flowers and the meal was awesome. We even had the bakery that made our wedding cake make us an anniversary cake. It was a great wedding anniversary, despite the hair thing. :-)
When we returned to Orlando, my hair was thinning out big time. I knew that it was soon time to just shave it off. I was holding on though. There was one more event that I wanted my locks to hold on for. It was OPD Family Day. This is a day in which the Orlando Police Family gets together with their families and just has fun. I have to tell you that my OPD family is unlike any other. One of the things that was done for me is that Rhonda Huckelberry arranged to have two guns raffled off in my honor. The ticket proceeds were to help me purchase a couple of wigs. Michele Smith was another guardian angel that played a big part in this raffle. I know that she made it to where many tickets were sold. I will always consider both of these ladies my guardian angels. It was such an awesome thing to do. And, it couldn't have come at a better time. I remember that my hair was so thin at that event that I just knew it was going to have to come off that night. I can't really explain what it feels like to worry about a little wind gust. You see, by that day, October 24th, my hair was just falling out so easily. Every time I ran my hands through my hair, I would look down at my hand and see a big mass of hair. It almost looked like a wig. I was so self conscious by this time. I just knew I looked ridiculous. Why hadn't I gone ahead and just shaved it off? Everyone knew I was going to be bald! Seems so clear now. But in that moment, I was holding on to every strand of hair like it was gold.
I was so set on trying to keep every last bit of hair that even though I swore I would shave it off, it still took me 2 more days to actually go through with the deed. Talk about torture! All that accomplished was to depress me every time I ran my fingers through my hair! On October 26th, I was ready. Samuel and Bill did the initial honors. My sister, Carolina, set it up and then cleaned it up. I had explained to Samuel, who was 4 at the time, that mommy was getting superhero medicine. The only problem was that mommy was not a superhero. So, this superhero medicine was going to WHOOOSH, knock the hair off my head. His response? He looked at me pretty intensely, and said, " Cool!" You gotta love kids. Isabella was only 3 at the time and did not really know what was going on so I just let it go and decided that if she asked any questions, I would address them at that time. She never did. She took it all in stride and I guess figured I was just going for another look! Kids are awesome in that they are so innocent and non-judgmental. The night I decided it was time to get rid of the hair was kind of weird. On the outside I was laughing, making jokes and trying to make everyone else feel comfortable that their wife, mom, sister was about to go bald. On the inside, I was crying. I was so mad that this was being taken from me as well. I had no say so in the matter. These are the things that make cancer so hard. There are certain things that are just going to be out of your control. I remember we all went in the bathroom and got to work. Samuel thought it was cool that we were letting him shave mommy's head. I often wonder what he was thinking during that time. Bill then did the rest and Carolina cleaned it all up. It was truly a team effort. In the end, I learned that I had a nice shaped head!
I had the Adria (Red Devil) chemo treatments every 3 weeks for 3 months. I would then start another chemotherapy treatment, Taxol. Taxol would be once a week for 3 months. Oh happy times…NOT! The first chemo treatment was interesting. I thought I was handling it just fine but it seemed that every day that would go by, I would feel weaker and weaker. I also started feeling nauseous. It wasn't enough to make me throw up, but I was on the verge. This is also when I decided I was not going to go back for anymore chemo treatments. I had convinced myself that I would be able to do some sort of alternative medicine that did not require me poisoning my body. I started looking through the internet for all sorts of different options. Did I mention that when you have cancer you should not go on the internet in search of all sorts of different options?? There are a gazillion sites out there that will scare you to death! Lucky for me, I was blessed to have a reasonable, rational husband talk to me. I know that this was hard on him too. I fail to mention that sometimes. I often think of how hard it must be for a man to see his wife lose a pretty important woman part and then, as if that was not enough, to watch her lose her hair. All of it.
August 29, 2007: More Challenges I woke up today hearing the sweetest little voice, “Hi Mommy, how are you feeling today?” My little Sam was the first to find me laid out on the couch this morning. I had a rough night last night and wasn’t sleeping much so I came out to the couch to give my personal nurse, Bill, a break. These dumb drains they have coming out of my sides are so uncomfortable! But, today was the day I got to take them out…well, not me personally! I was looking forward to today but at the same time I feared today. I had a post-op appointment with the plastic surgeon at 10AM and then one with Dr.Chambers at 1PM. The 10 AM appointment was going to be the one where I got these vicious drains removed from my body (with no anesthesia!) and then the 1PM appointment was the one where I got the results from the lab about the lymph nodes that they took out during surgery. The 10AM appointment was the one that scared me though. I hate pain! Who doesn’t? All I knew was that the nurse had called a couple of days ago to confirm the appointment and to remind me to take pain medication BEFORE coming to the office. EEEK!! Even though I’ve been miserable at night and haven’t slept, the idea of someone just physically pulling on a tube that is connected to the side of my chest and pulling out “the line” just was not appealing to me. I was starting to wonder if they made some sort of numbing cream that I could just put on the rest of my life and live with my two little drains! It was a thought! I reluctantly got ready and took my first pain pill at 9:15. I figured if I took a second one at 9:45, I would be very drugged for this event. We left the house closer to 9:30ish and I could feel the annoyed looks from Bill, he hates running late. I think I did it on purpose though. Usually, if I don’t want to do something, I take my time so as to hopefully miss it. It never works though because I always end up having to do it or be there and all I ever accomplish is being late. Oh well. You have to love the 408. An accident up ahead had everything moving to a crawl and it guaranteed that we would be late. YES! Perhaps I can get out of this! Never mind, I had Hitler as my driver! We made it to Dr.Rotatori’s office around 10:15. I was hoping they would say, “Sorry, you’re too late, we had to reschedule.” No such luck. We met with the nurse, Alma, who directed me to a room in the back. For someone as nice and as pretty as Alma, let me tell you, she had no mercy! She was very sweet about it. She described every agonizing moment that I would encounter in great detail! She even told me how she would deliver the agonizing moment! Ok, so maybe she wasn’t that bad. All I could remember was talking to Rhonda who told me that when they removed hers one of them had not hurt at all. The other, she said, felt like a bee sting. Ok, I can do this. I kept telling myself to think of all the soldiers in Iraq that are in combat and get injured pretty bad out on the field. They don’t have the luxury to sit in a doctor’s office, they have to suck it up and stay alive. So, I told myself to suck it up. Sweet Alma told me to take three deep breaths and to hold the 3rd breath until she had finished taking it out, then she would tell me to breathe again. What?!? “Ok, here we go. One….oh my gosh… two….soldiers in Iraq….and three…somebody shoot me! Don’t breathe, don’t breathe! Bee sting my butt!” Those were some of the thoughts that ran through my head as the FIRST one was pulled out. That’s right, I still had one more left. By the way, in the meantime, did I tell you that my loving spouse was trying to show me pictures on the camera? I mean, really. I know he was just trying to “take my mind off of the pain” but I could have just… well, he meant well and was trying. So now the second one, the first one took about 40 seconds for the pain to subside. Now I knew what was coming. It didn’t make it better. “One…I’m going to have a word with Rhonda about the bee sting….two….can I make a run for it….three….Oh dear mother of everything that is holy!” Ok, no more drains. That was my drain ordeal today. :-) I am probably exaggerating a tiny bit but it did hurt for about 30-40 seconds on each side. All in all, it wasn’t as bad as childbirth.
That is all I had to do for this appointment. I have to see them again in two weeks, where I will start getting “expanded”. This is where I will miraculously start looking like a girl again. Now that I was nice and drugged we figured we would go ahead and go to the 1PM appointment now to see if we could get squeezed in. So off we were to the Ambulatory Care Center downtown. I was looking forward to getting my results back. They had told me at the hospital that the lymph nodes they tested had come back negative for cancer but that they had sent the tumor along with more lymph nodes off to the lab for further testing. The sweet ladies in the Breast Care Center (at the Ambulatory Care Center) of course said they would try to squeeze me in. I fell asleep on the chair out in the waiting area. You know what is great now though? I didn’t care or get embarrassed. Cancer has a funny way of putting things in perspective. We got called back and waited for Dr.Chambers. I want you to know I like Dr.Chambers. I think I’ve mentioned before that I think she looks like my good friend Michele Smith. She is so sweet and nice but dang she always has bad news for me! Dr.Chambers explained that they had taken a total of 22 lymph nodes out of the left arm. “Man! How many do I have left? No wonder my left arm is killing me!” I thought as she spoke. I’m always so glad Bill comes with me because I know he is paying attention. Anyways, then she said that all but one node came back clear. The one lymph node had some cancer in it. Darn it! Then she said that when they removed the tumor, aka. The Lump, it measured about 3cm. Well, this lump decided that it wasn’t enough to invade my body and give me cancer, it also had to come within 1 millimeter of my chest muscle/wall. Close enough to where Dr.Chambers delivered the dreaded news so nicely: "You need radiation." Dang it, dang it, dang it!!
I’ve said it before and I’ll continue to say it. God works in mysterious ways. Even though it was upsetting to hear that I needed radiation, I handled it pretty well because I was still so drugged up from the pain medicine!! I was pretty calm, cool and collected about it. What could I do anyways? I asked Dr.Chambers if I could get a second opinion and she didn’t mind one bit, instead she encouraged it and said I had some time before treatment would begin anyways. So there you have it. Now I need chemo and radiation. The ride home was pretty somber but I remember at one point looking at Bill and saying, “Well, at least it’s not stage 3 or 4 cancer. And, at least this is treatable.” Dr. Chambers had told us that they categorized it as stage 2a cancer. She also said that it’s my age that is working against me. I was too young to have had this so they are going to be aggressive with it. She said that women who end up getting cancer in their chest muscle/wall after having a mastectomy lower their chances of survival by 40% if they didn’t have radiation. I totally believe Dr.Chambers but, since this is my life, I will be doing a lot of research on the subject. My next mission is to get a second opinion.
July 13 - August 1, 2007: Letting It Sink In “How can I have cancer when I feel fine?" "I just worked out." "I knew I shouldn’t have gone to the doctor!” These were some of the thoughts going through my head as I hung up the phone. I was glad that they told me over the phone instead of making me go to the doctor’s office. Even though I was still in disbelief over the news, I was at the same time trying to hold it together. My sister, Carolina, was in the den and I knew she was not only hanging on every word of my telephone conversation but was carefully observing my every move. I knew she was scared and was looking to see what my reaction was going to be before saying anything. I think I just said, “Well, the test came back positive.” I guess it helped that I had been prepared for this diagnosis. A Lieutenant friend of mine once told me to “prepare for the worst and hope for the best.” I liked that saying. After Carolina knew, I remember saying to her, “Do not tell mom. I’m going to have to figure out when and how to tell her.” It’s funny that even though I had just been given pretty bad news, the first person I thought about was my mom. My poor mom has been through so much. She still has never been the same since losing my brother in 2002. I always worried about how bad news could affect my mom physically. I remember even way back in high school when I played on the volleyball team, I had sprained my ankle very badly and the team trainer said I needed to go to the emergency room. I told them absolutely not. I made one of the parents first drive me home so my mom could see that my ankle was still attached and then I went to the hospital!
I think I was more stressed about how my mom was going to react to the news then of the actual news itself! So, I decided not to tell her….for now. I was scheduled to go to a conference for school resource officers the following week and decided to go ahead and go. Bill wasn’t too sure about this but even Dr. Chambers (the breast surgeon) thought it would be a good idea for me to go. Bill, Carolina, and the kids all came along. We arrived at the hotel on the 15th of July for the week-long conference. God’s timing is so perfect. I didn’t really have a whole lot of time to feel sorry for myself and the classes that were being offered were really good. There was even one class that was about having a warrior mindset. I decided that was how I was going to fight this thing, with a warrior mindset. Don’t get me wrong, I had what I call “my 5 minute moments” but then I would remind myself that ultimately God is in control and He will take care of this. What a great feeling it is to know that I don’t have to worry about this disease. My God is the ultimate doctor and I know that all He has to do is say the word and it’s gone. I also know that God uses our circumstances, good or bad, to work towards His will. So, even if He decides not to heal me from this, I will be a good witness by always trusting and having faith in what He is doing.
That whole week I felt as if I was having an out of body experience, as if I was there but not really there. I knew that on Friday the 20th I had another appointment with Dr. Chambers and that on Monday the 23rd my little Sam was having surgery. Oh yeah, in the midst of all MY drama did I fail to mention that my little monkey was having his tonsils and adenoids removed and then new tubes put in his ears? I always tell people that I absolutely believe that God never puts more on our plate than what we can handle but holy cow! I think he thinks we’re at a buffet!! Just kidding….kind of. The appointment with Dr.Chambers went pretty well. My good friend Rhonda Huckelberry, who is an inspiration herself, came with me. Rhonda is really cool because chaos can be going on around her but she always stays calm, cool, and collected. You see, Rhonda herself is going through this cancer thing too. It’s awesome when God puts people in your life that will help you through some tough situations. Rhonda provided invaluable information that I would probably be too embarrassed to ask anyone else about. Like, “They put those drains where?” and “they come out how?” I think Bill and I asked Rhonda more questions than the doctor herself. Rhonda came with me to this appointment armed with some questions. Since we had been talking about my little issue, she educated me on a lot of the cancer lingo. It’s like a whole other language and you feel like you have to have a degree to have an intelligent conversation about this stuff! Rhonda definitely calmed me down and pretty much held my hand through this. It was definitely encouraging to see someone go through what I was about to go through with such a good attitude and with such a willingness to help others… it also helped keep me from feeling sorry for myself. Dr. Chambers calmly explained that because of my age and because the cancer was aggressive, she highly recommended a mastectomy. Thank goodness that she had already given me a week to let this sink in. Bill and I had discussed it and we pretty much decided that if they were going to remove one, then they should remove both. Dr. Chambers told me she thought that was a good decision. I think that at this point I was so overwhelmed with all the information, appointments, etc. that it hadn’t fully hit me. I was probably still in denial. I still felt fine! Dr. Chambers then explained that they could start reconstruction right away, while I was still filleted open during the mastectomy, basically. That was good, it would help in dealing with all of this. I think. The only thing left to do was meet with a plastic surgeon. Dr. Rotatori had been recommended by Rhonda and I knew that she had done the research. So, in one fatal swoop I had just agreed to have both my breasts removed and get fake ones put in. I can’t believe it. The week of the 23rd of July was good in that I was only concentrating on Sam’s recovery. Cancer was definitely the last thing on my mind. On the 31st, one of my many angels, aka. Rhonda, invited me to her appointment with the plastic surgeon. This was definitely one I was not going to miss. Plus, it gave me the chance to check him out since I was not due to see him until August 9th. This also allowed me to see the process of how it’s going to be. Rhonda of course was my coach through the whole thing. She explained how these drains were going to be put inside of me and come out my sides. Yuck! AND, they had to be drained!! Poor Bill, I was sure he was thinking he had not signed up for all of this. The appointment went very well and it was a good thing I went, they had a cancellation for the 1st of August and gave me the chance to take it. I of course did.
July 7 - July 13, 2007: I Have What??! Hi everybody! I know you have all been waiting for me to finally give you some sort of update and story of my current journey. For those of you that are just now hearing of the news, here’s how my journey came about: As most of you know, all SROs were placed on midnight shift during the summer to help the city of Orlando fight all this out of control crime. Well, when I came home one night, err, I mean morning, I was showering and found a big lump. That was Saturday, July 7th. Now, a couple of days before, Bill and I had been wakeboarding (tons of fun) and I thought for sure I had pulled a muscle. The weird thing here is that usually, I would have just blown it off (since I’m allergic to doctors’ offices!) but I actually went first thing on Monday the 9th. The doctor wasn’t sure what to make of my lump so he said just to err on the side of caution that I should go ahead and do a mammogram and an ultrasound. Somehow I managed to get that done that afternoon. Needless to say, that mammogram and ultrasound changed my life. I could tell by the looks on the faces of the girls that were doing the test that something was wrong. I finally just said, “ Well, how big is it?” The ultrasound girl, who I don’t think was supposed to say anything, said, “It looks like it’s about 3cm but I’ll bring the radiologist in here to talk to you.” I knew that wasn’t good and I could see at least 2 big black blobs on the ultrasound that I knew should probably not be there. The radiologist walked in and said, “Well, you know it’s something, we just have to see exactly what it is so I am recommending you see a breast surgeon as soon as possible.” Breast surgeon? I was kind of in a daze when he said this because I was thinking that I felt perfectly fine and this should be no big deal. As a matter of fact when I was 18, I had a benign cyst removed from that same left breast. They told me then that I had probably got that by getting elbowed playing basketball or something of the sort. In fact, that cyst measured 3 inches by 3 inches when they took it out. As all this was going through my mind, the radiologist was still going on about how this was a “suspicious mass” and should be looked at right away. He then said he would let my doctor know. One thing I have to say about this day is thank goodness my sister Carolina was there with me. She had driven me to the appointment and had waited so patiently. When I came out I told her matter of factly what they had just said. On our way home we were both kind of quiet. Then my cell phone rang…It was the radiologist telling me that he had just contacted my doctor and that my doctor wanted to see me first thing in the morning, no appointment necessary. Uh-oh… not good. Doctors don’t tell you to just come on in without an appointment for nothing. Now I was a little worried. I went to see the doctor early Tuesday (7/10) morning and he still was making it sound like it was no big deal. He told me that he had made a call for me to see a breast surgeon and that someone would be calling me today. He told me not to freak out “yet” and he was just doing what he would do if I was his sister. Sure enough, I got a call later on in the day telling me that I had an appointment Wednesday, the 11th. My OB/GYN had told me that this appointment would probably just be a consultation but if the doctor there was concerned she may do a biopsy pretty soon. I had to go to the Ambulatory Care Center next to the MD Anderson Cancer Center. Cancer center? What?! Ok, now I was having a bad dream. On Wednesday, Bill and my sister came with me to my appointment. I think at this point they were a tad bit worried to say the least. As we were walking towards the building I remember thinking, “Ok Karen, chill out… You are way too young to have anything, this is just precautionary.” After all, Bill and I were supposed to go to Italy August 4th for two weeks. We hadn’t had a true honeymoon yet and we had been looking forward to this trip. We got off the elevator on the 3rd floor and found a little office that was simply labeled “Breast Care Center”. The little office was full of pink stuff and I found myself kind of annoyed at this whole thing. When they called me to the back I got a little nervous. A couple of older ladies had come in and I could see that they had gone through chemo since they did not have much hair. This was a little freaky. As I was just starting to work myself up, one of the nicest nurses I have met came in to talk to me. Alisha was so nice and had that comforting voice. A little later, Dr. Chambers walked in. I remember thinking that not only did she remind me of my good friend Michele but that she looked way too young to be an experienced doctor! Yikes! Dr. Chambers explained that she wanted to do another ultrasound first. Once again, I saw my two black blobs on the screen. Once that was done I was sent back to the examining room and waited on Dr.Chambers. During that time I kept telling myself that this was probably going to be another benign cyst that they would have to remove. After all, I have no risk factors. I have to give Dr.Chambers credit, she is not one to sugarcoat things. I liked that about her until she started telling me what she thought was going on. A lot of this conversation is a blur because I couldn’t get past the first few sentences that she said. I remember her saying, “Well, I would recommend that we do a biopsy ASAP, preferably today. It is a very suspicious mass and it is most likely malignant. You will most likely need a lumpectomy but maybe even a mastectomy.” Huh? She then said that this biopsy was really just going to be to confirm her suspicion and tell her exactly what kind of cancer we were dealing with. I’m sure she said a lot more to me but I really don’t remember. My extra set of ears, Bill, did not get a chance to hear all this because he had to leave early (while I was getting my ultrasound done) to pick up Bella. I didn’t want to have my sister come back there because then that would have made it too real and I certainly didn’t want to freak her out or let her see me freak out. I told Dr. Chambers to go ahead and do the biopsy now. As much as I like Dr.Chambers and Alisha, I must say that they did not give me a good enough warning about how painful that biopsy was. I of course was not going to let them see that I was in incredible pain but holy cow that hurt!! I had just finished telling them how my lump kind of hurt when all of a sudden they are mashing down on it and sticking a huge needle inside. They were both trying to make small conversation as if it was normal to be asking about how your life was going while a hollow needle was inserted inside you and something else felt like it was ripping your flesh on the inside. Oh, by the way, did I tell you that they said they would numb the area? Ha! Once they were done torturing me, I went back inside the exam room. Bill had called me and said he would be on his way back. Alisha came back to talk to me about what would be happening but what I remember the most about that conversation is when she handed me a book called, 100 Questions and Answers About Breast Cancer. Wow. Why is she giving me this book? I feel fine. I’m leaving. These were some of the things going through my head. Once I regained a little of my composure again, I asked her if she would repeat all this stuff to Bill once he returned. I didn’t know how Bill was going to react to all the news, we had already had a pretty tough first year of marriage. Oh wait! That’s right, we haven’t even been married a year yet and we have been through a ton!! I guess God is getting the “in sickness and in health” part out of the way now. When Bill came back there, I remember him asking a bunch of questions and trying to stay positive about the whole thing. I finally interjected and said, “Alisha, you guys pretty much know now that this is going to be some sort of cancer though, right.” God bless Alisha. I know she didn’t want to say it but she told both of us that they have seen so many of these that pretty much the biopsy was going to confirm what they already knew. This was cancer. She told us that the results would be in on Friday the 13th. Funny huh? I didn’t think so either. Friday the 13th. What a day. Alisha said that she would call me regardless of the outcome. I went for an extra long run that morning and waited for her call. I had just finished running at about noon, when the phone rang. I am still so glad I exercised hard before that call because I was too tired to get upset about the whole thing, plus, I pretty much knew. And there it was. Alisha said that the test came back positive for cancer. I had breast cancer and it was not the good kind (is there such a thing?). It is called invasive ductal carcinoma. I was amazingly calm on the phone and thanked Alisha for getting back to me. She was so sweet, I could tell that this was a phone call she did not want to make. I assured her that I was okay and that I knew God would take care of me. I guess that was the first real day I knew my life was about to be turned upside down. |
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